Well my sleigh bells are ringing, but sadly my mistletoe has wilted - I hope its just the weather! I hope you are well and you can put aside the next few days to read through all the catastrophies that have happened with my usual travel expeditions. I’ve been so very lucky to have had an incredibly busy year! It all started in the Canary Islands where I sang Auld Lang Syne in Tenerife as you do.

I went straight off down under spending an incredible time in Adelaide & Sydney Adelaide, Lyn and her wonderful friends made me so welcome and in Sydney, the Opera House beckoned and it gave me an experience like I never had before! It involved a lady singer and a Strawberry that has put me off fruit for life. Apart from that my time there was awesome. I even had time to pose on Bondi Beach, but had to leave after being harpooned twice. I joined Silver Sea and sailed off to Papua New Guinea. Leaving there was quite traumatic having to travel to the ‘airport’ in an animal truck. After a 100 degree hot local flight I had to change planes twice to get to Melbourne, but to get to that flight I had to change airports - 10 miles apart with 15 minutes to spare. Needless to say, I missed my flight, then flew six hours later to Singapore. Had to stay overnight in an amazing glass hotel. I was on floor 38, woke up the next morning and as I was so high up, I thought it was okay to open the curtains and look at the sky. So naked, I opened the curtains to find around 40 secretaries sitting in their office block staring back - I made a lot of friends that day! I eventually got home the next day - in one piece!

After a few days at home, I flew off to Cape Town and as I was a bit jet lagged I went into a Barber Shop to have a shave as I couldn’t be bothered to do it myself. I started to drift off to sleep but was awaken by a buzzing and found the barber about to shave my hair and not my face - I did the only manly thing to do - I screamed and jumped out of the chair! Amazingly I’d gone off the idea by then and got back to the ship rough and ready - but still with hair!

Without time to think, I then took off to Rio De Janeiro for the closing show of the carnival - it was an amazing experience. When I left, the cab driver taking me to the airport sneezed and let go of the wheel and ran into the bush of the sidewalk - I think my hair is still suffering from whiplash!

After a brief but brilliant time back in London at the Brick Lane Music Hall, I jetted back to Singapore again and sailed to Hong Kong via Vietnam where I got just a few fabulous suits made. Got in the plane in Hong Kong to come home and after 3 hours of sitting in the plane, they still could not shut the main door (which helps!) and we had to get off and stay in a hotel overnight. But they wouldn’t let us through customs as when they asked us where we’d come from and we said the Airport Tarmac - they didn’t have a form for that so we had to wait (300 of us) for the Captain to come through so he could explain! I eventually got home the next night!

I thought I was safe this summer when I just had to travel to Glasgow to join a ship, I let the train take the strain - what a load of tosh that is! Firstly the train was full and although I have booked my seat an old lady was sitting in my place. She wouldn’t budge till I found her a seat - and like a prat I went to find her one. Found an empty seat in four block and decided just to sit there myself. The other 3 occupants having gone to the buffet car I was told. When they returned, I found out why no one was sitting in the spare seat. They were 3 children from hell - all under 10 years old! After an hour of being jumped over, some very nice person pulled the emergency cord so the train came to stop for a very long hour! By the time we eventually left again, I had more cheese and onion crisps in my hair than they had in their bags. Thankfully they left at the next stop and I foolishly sighed relief. On came 3 young men all very lubricated as they were on a Stag Night and the bridegroom it turned out sat next to me. They drank a few dozen cans then one of the guys left for quite some time.

He returned with his present to the groom - her name was Juicy Lucy and she was an inflatable doll that he proceeded to position between me and groom. Believe me, her company was more preferable! When I eventually got to Glasgow, I got out of the train and fell over my cases and sprained my ankle. Oh what a joy!

Despite this, the trip went well, even though I fell down the stairs and hurt my other ankle! When I left I prepared myself for the worst on the journey home. It seemed to be going okay as I stood on platform ten waiting to go home - the fact I should have been on platform 12 might have something to do with the fact I missed my train. I eventually got on my way and there was free WIFI on board but my laptop battery was flat so I went looking for plug socket. I managed to find one in the buffet car next to the fridge. I plugged in and after about five minutes there was a blue flash and a bang and all the lights went off. A woman came from behind the counter and shouted at me for fusing the lights. She had been defrosting pies and had to throw them out - she wasn’t happy. She then went on the tannoy and told everyone someone had been messing about with the plugs and now the buffet car would be closed for the entire journey - I couldn’t wait to get off!

I spent my birthday in August in Iceland in the Blue Lagoon. They told me I had to be naked, so I just plucked up the courage to go in when everyone else arrived - all in swimsuits - the swine’s had been joking. Talk about frozen assets!

I toured round Britain in September and October was spent in Canada and in New York - I’d made it at last! It was a dream come true! November I was out in the Caribbean and got back to in time appear at the London’s West End. This Christmas, I’ll be wrapping my presents in the Canary Islands - I went there last year and saw no Canaries - I am going to the Virgin Islands next year!

Whatever you are doing this Christmas and New Year, make sure you enjoy yourself - it’s not a rehearsal!

Wishing The Happiest Of Christmas
and
A Peaceful, Happy and Healthy 2010!

With Love,

Andrew