Happy 2009!!!

 
I`M BACK HERE AT LAST FROM SUNNY DOWN UNDER,
AND I GOT BACK IN ONE PIECE WHICH IS REALLY A WONDER.
THE JOURNEY WAS LONG, BUT WORTH ALL THE TIME IN THE AIR,
IT`S A BRILLIANT PLACE THAT NOWHERE CAN COMPARE.
THE DAY AFTER MY CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR CRUISE I SET OFF AGAIN,
THIS TIME TO AUSTRALIA ON A VERY BIG PLANE!
IN SYDNEY I LANDED AND AS I WAS TEN HOURS AHEAD,
I WENT OUT ON THE TOWN RATHER THAN GOING TO BED.

WE DANCED TILL WE DROPPED TILL STEVE, JAY & TERESA WERE KNACKERED,
I WAS A BIT DISHEVELLED, & MY HAIR WAS UNLAQUERED!
NEXT DAY TO ADELAIDE I FLEW OFF STILL FULL OF GIN,
TO SEE MY WONDERFUL FRIEND FROM DOWN UNDER CALLED LYN.
TO GLENELG WHICH IS THE SEASIDE VERSION OF OZ,
IT`S NOTHING LIKE BLACKPOOL , IT`S MAYBE BECAUSE,
IT WAS 40 DEGREES, I THOUGHT THE SAILS WE SHOULD HOIST,
I LOOKED LIKE A BEETROOT & WAS REALLY QUITE MOIST.

I WAS TREATED LIKE ROYALTY ON A SILVERSEA TOUR,
I MET SO MAY WONDERFUL PEOPLE OF THAT I AM SURE.
BACK TO SYDNEY I POSED ON BONDI BEACH,
BUT THE BODIES BEAUTIFUL WERE WELL OUT OF REACH.
SADLY I WASN'T THE PRETTIEST MALE,
IN FACT TWICE I WAS MISTAKEN FOR A HARPOONED BEACHED WHALE!

HAD LUNCH OVERLOOKING THE HARBOUR & OPERA HOUSE,
FOR ONCE I WAS DUMBSTRUCK & AS QUIET AS A MOUSE.
THEN TO THE OPERA HOUSE I SET OFF TO GO,
BEFORE I STARTED WE ALL SAW A BURLESQUE SHOW.
BUT THIS AUSSIE BURLESQUE WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED TO SEE,
AS THREE VERY NAKED WOMEN APPEARED BEFORE ME.

WHAT THEY DID WITH MILK & A LOT OF FRESH FRUIT,
LEFT ME QUITE STUNNED AND AGAIN I WAS MUTE!!
IN THE FINALE THE STAR DIVA UNDRESSED & AGAIN I WAS WARY,
I HOPED FOR NO MORE MILK, AS I'D GONE OFF THE DAIRY!
SHE STOOD THERE LOOKING LIKE AN AUSTRALIAN FAIRY,
THEN SQUATTED ON THE FLOOR & A STRAWBERRY SHOT OUT OF HER MARY !

I'VE BEEN IN SHOCK EVER SINCE, & I DON'T LIKE TO BE MEAN,
BUT SHE WAS LIKE A VERY UGLY FRUIT VENDING MACHINE!
AS WE SAILED AWAY UNDER THE SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE,
MY HEAD WAS STILL SPINNING FROM THIS FEMALE FRUIT FRIDGE.
LUCKILY IN NEWCASTLE (THE AUSTRALIAN ONE),
THE THOUGHTS OF BURLESQUE HAD NEARLY ALL GONE.
MY DEAR FRIENDS FRAN & BILL TOOK ME AWAY FROM THE MIRE,
TO A BEAUTIFUL CATHEDRAL WHICH TOOK ME BACK TO MY CHOIR.

THEN A BEAUTIFUL LUNCH, NOT JUST BREAD & JAM,
MADE ME REALISE HOW VERY LUCKY I AM.
ALL TOO SOON WE HAD TO LEAVE,
TO THE SOLOMON ISLES WE SET OFF TO WEAVE.
MY FIRST CONCERT (THO WARY) HAD THEM ALL ON THEIR FEET,
AND FROM THAT MANY FRIENDS I WAS LUCKY TO MEET.

STEVEN, JILLIAN & LOVELY HEATHER TOO,
LEFT ME SPEECHLESS WITH THEIR TALENT, & A REAL TREAT TO VIEW.
THE HEAT REACHED THE HUNDREDS & AS I STARTED TO FRY,
I TRIED WATER VOLLEYBALL BUT CAN YOU TELL ME WHY,
I COULDN'T TOUCH THE FLOOR, SO WHEN AS THE SERVER I WAS CROWNED,
I DISAPPEARED BELOW & RE-APPEARED HALF DROWNED !

THE ISLANDS WE VISITED IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC,
SADLY I SAY WEREN'T THAT TERRIFIC.
TROPICAL HEAT & ALL DUST & DIRT,
SO I COULDN'T WEAR MY NEW DESIGNER WHITE SHIRT!
BUT I GOT TO MEET FABULOUS FRIENDS & SING THEM A TUNE,
EAT TONS OF FOOD & LEARN HOW TO SPOON.

SOON CAME PAPAU NEW GUINEA & TIME TO SAY GOODBYE,
AND LEAVING MY FRIENDS JUST MADE THIS WUSS CRY.
THE JOURNEY WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH, NOT A SONG,
IN FACT THE TRAVELLING TIME WOULD BE OVER TWO DAYS LONG.
TO GO TO THE AIRPORT IN MADANG, A TRUCK THEN ARRIVED,
SO OF AIR CONDITIONING I WAS SOON TO BE DEPRIVED.

THE DRIVER DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND (HOW YOU ASK COULD I TELL),
I THINK IT WAS THE FACT THAT I THREW UP WITH THE SMELL.
I TOLD HIM IT WAS THE HEAT & I JUST WASN'T COPIN'
THANK GOD WHEN I DID IT THE TRUCK WINDOW WAS OPEN!
THE ONLY FOLK ARE THE NATIVES AND I'M NOT BEING MEAN,
BUT AS I STOOD IN MY FINEARY I LOOKED LIKE THE CARNIVAL QUEEN !

THEY JUST STOOD AND STARED, & THROUGH MY DESIGNER SPECS,
I MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE A (MUCH YOUNGER) VERSION OF POSH & BECKS!
SO I FLEW FROM MADANG IN THE JUNGLE ON A PLANE OH SO TINNY,
TO PORT MORESBY THE CAPITAL OF PAPU NEW GUINEA.
I WAS DULY TAKEN IN A HORSE & CART,
FOR THE NEXT FLIGHT & THE ADVENTURE TO START.

THE SMELL OF THE PASSENGERS MADE YOU WANT TO HEAVE HO,
THE AIR WAS QUITE GREEN WITH THE SMELL OF B.O.
WE SAT IN 100 DEGREE HEAT ON THE PLANE,
WAITING TO TAKE OFF ON MY JOURNEY AGAIN.
FROM PORT MORSEBY TO BRISBANE SHOULD HAVE BEEN OK.
BUT INSTEAD ON THE TARMACK FOR AN HOUR WE'D STAY.

SO GOT TO BRISBANE AN HOUR OR SO LATE,
SO WAS NEARLY LATE FOR THE NEXT ONE AND THEY'D SHUT OFF THE GATE.
I THREW ME A FIT WHICH WAS NOT A GOOD SIGHT,
BUT IT MUST HAVE WORKED COS THEY PUT ME BACK ON THE FLIGHT!
COS WHEN I GOT ME TO BRISBANE THE AGENTS THEY SAY,
I MUST TRANSFER TO THE OTHER AIRPORT TEN MILES AWAY.

RAN OUTSIDE SO I COULD GET ME A CAB,
AND GOT THE LAST ONE WHICH I THOUGHT WAS FAB.
BUT JUST BEFORE WE STARTED TO GO,
3 OTHER PEOPLE JUMPED IN TO JOIN IN MY SHOW!
IT GAVE ME A FIGHT COS NONE OF THEM WOULD YOU HAVE HUGGED,
I THOUGHT THAT MY VIRTUE & ME WERE TO BE MUGGED.

BUT THEY WERE TOO IN A HURRY, & DID I MIND,
WHAT COULD I SAY WE WERE ALL IN A BIND.
WE GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC BEHIND A BLOODY GREAT VAN,
SO I CHUCKED HIM A TENNER , GRABBED MY BAGS AND I RAN!
SO AS I SAID GOT THE FLIGHT & TO MELBOURNE I FLEW,
BUT THEY'D DOUBLE BOOKED MY SEAT, YOU KNOW AS THEY DO!

EVENTULALLY GOT ON, WHEN THEY FOUND ME A SEAT,
AND TWO PRETTY YOUNG SISTERS I GOT TO MEET.
WE SAT & WE CHATTED & WHEN I THOUGHT THERE COULD BE NO MORE,
ONE OF HER HAIR EXTENSIONS FELL OUT ON THE FLOOR.
SHE APOLOGISED PROFUSELY & PUT IT ON THE DRINKS SHELF,
THEY TOOK IT AWAY, I WAS GUTTED, I COULD HAVE KEPT IT MYSELF!

IN MELBOURNE AGAIN I CHANGED AIRPORTS & TO HONG KONG I FLEW,
JUST ANOTHER 14 HOUR FLIGHT FOR ME AS YOU DO!
THE SLEEPING PILL I'D GOT SADLY DID VERY LITTLES
I THINK I'D GOT IT MIXED UP WITH MY BAG OF SKITTLES.
SO AWAKE I STAYED TILL I GOT TO HONG KONG,
IT WAS 7AM SO NO TIME FOR A SONG.

AN HOUR LATER WE LEFT FOR LONDON UK,
WHERE AT LEAST FOR A FEW DAYS I'LL GET TO STAY.
DESPITE ALL THE HOURS THE TRAVELLING UNFURLLED,
I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT FOR ALL OF THE WORLD.
IN LONDON NOW AND MY CONCERTS TO DO,
WITH HAPPY MEMORIES OF MY BIRDS EYE VIEW.

MY BABIES WERE WAITING FOR ME WITH A LOVE SO TRUE,
THEY WERE GLAD I'D NOT BEEN EATEN BY A BIG KANGAROO!
THE MAILS BEING ANSWERED, & SO MANY JOBS TO DO,
BUT STILL ENOUGH TIME TO TAKE TIME OUT FOR YOU.
SO, FROM A CHILLY UK ALL MY LOVE I SEND,
HOPE YOU'RE OK, YOU'RE MY WONDERFUL FRIEND.